Conversations With…

MY SISTER VIA TEXT.

Background Info: My sister adopted a baby boy, XX.  When XX was born he had alcohol and cocaine in his system.

I woke up from a nap when:

me: I just flat-lined.

sister: meee tooo.  I have brainnumbibg shift…almost..over.

me: Are you going to retire at 50?

sister: Well i did some retirement planning and at my current savings investment..I’ll have $8000/yr to live on if i retire at 66 or 67.  So no not 50, maybe 90.

me: hac!

sister: I need a better plan

me: at 55 I’ll have $100,000 in RSPs.  So if I only live to 58…

sister: well you’re 92000 ahead of me…so you know I’ll be moving in with you

me: I’m really hoping XX is like Justin Beiber

me:  Bieber.

sister: what the??

me: Like justin was a testament to teenage pregnancy. XX will be poster child for alcohol & cocaine abuse….XX will support us with his MUSIC CAREER.

sister: Fantastic…plus he’ll be really good at any sport that involves a stick and hacking things

me: a world of possibility

sister: ..not music…too much pressure to abuse drugs, plus I hate music.

me: how can you hate music?

sister: we make a good team.  Should have been financial planners.

MY CO-WORKER VIA PHONE

My co-worker had a storm overhead.  I heard a clap of thunder through the receiver when he said:

“I better go before I get zapped through the phone and my face is burnt and then my girlfriend will dump me.”

“Yeah, you’ll be Elephant Head!” I laughed

“Oh my god Jo, what is wrong with you?! “

umm..I dunno.

Tasteful Nude of Joseph Merrick.

TEXT WITH MY SISTER…next day.

me: woke up at 2am cause I hadta pee…then i couldn’t sleep cause worried about not enough money in RSP.  So I just opened a tax free savings account.  balance 25clams!

sister: you are the bomb!!!

me: so in 15 years that 25 dollars will be…$500,000?

sister: yep, according to my calculations

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The Toe

A few months ago I had a premonition.  A few weeks ago, as I was writing an outline for a book idea, my pencil barfed: make it gory. The following is a medley of these two events….and an accurate depiction of what the future holds for me.

The shower cascaded down her back, the steaming hot water rinsed her filth down the drain.  Her muscles ached with remnants of her days’ pursuit: Mr. James Franco.  Sure, some would call her a stalker, but she knew that it was more akin to a life’s purpose.  It’s not that she pictured them in love or married, but she did have a deep yearning to feel his freshly waxed flesh beneath her finger-tips.  Whether that flesh was dead or alive was completely up to him.

She tilted her head back and let the water pelt her face. She closed her eyes and soaked it in, the water cleansing inside and out.

A sharp pain in her right foot jolted her.  She lifted her foot and reached down and felt her toe.  “Ouch!” she exclaimed and quickly brought her finger up and looked at it.  A small red welt rose up on her fingertip.  She instinctively stuck her finger in her mouth and sucked. It felt better.   If she had only looked a moment longer, she may have detected the serrated edge around the welt, the telltale sign of a bite, and she just may have been able to stop the attack.

She ignored her throbbing finger and leaned into the shower once more, the heat turned her flesh a vibrant pink.  She found her belly button with her left index finger and dug in, a habit she had had since a child, there was times in her life she tried to break it but now, at 38 years old, she had surrendered to her quirks.  She lifted her finger to her nose and inhaled.

“Gross.”

Her eyes popped open.  Who said that?  She peeled the shower curtain open – just enough to poke her head out – the bathroom door was still firmly shut, she was alone.

Convinced she was hearing things; she pulled the shower curtain back and stuck her head under the shower. The roar of the water in her ears drowned out the small voice from below, a small groan.

An odd sensation crept up her right leg. Numbness oscillated with a gentle sting. Convinced her leg was falling asleep, she wiggled her right foot. Suddenly with a resounding POP her right toe separated from her body. The pain so severe she could only gasp.  Blood poured freely from the mangled hole where her toe used to be and swirled down the drain.  She watched, in shock, mesmerized by the blood bath at her feet.  She didn’t see that her toe had ascended, had crawled up the shower wall and was now closing in on her face.

“Bitch!” her toe shouted.

She looked up, he leapt and with a splat of hot blood he landed on her cheek.  She flailed backward, her hands flying to her face but without her precious toe to help her balance she slipped on the bloody tub floor and slammed backwards.  She fell onto her back and gasped as the wind knocked out of her. All the while her toe held his vice like grip on her cheek.

The toe didn’t waste any time; as soon as she fell he hopped with shocking agility to her eye, dug his nail in and popped her eyeball out. It hung from its optic nerve and slapped against her cheek.

Now she found her voice and she shrieked.

The Toe contemplated his next move. He could drag it out, torture her some more and relish in his revenge. But she was being uncooperative, her shriek turned into hitching sobs and the sound was sure to attract attention.  He was finally free, his diabolical plan had been in the works for decades and it was time to shut this bitch up once and for all.

With a heaving sob she bellowed for help:  JAMES!  SAVE ME!! Leaving her mouth agape, calling for her love, was her fatal error.  With a quick hop The Toe jumped into her mouth and rammed down her throat.  With expert dexterity he wrapped his sinewy entrails around her still beating heart and then hopped back out. Braced on her chin and with a groan he pulled and tore her heart from her chest cavity and yanked it out her gaping word-hole.

Deep crimson blood poured from her mouth, her eye socket and her mangled foot.  A stump of bone that stuck out from her mangled toe-hole twitched as the last of her life drained out.

The Toe looked down at her heart with disgust and tossed the clotted muscle aside. He hopped off her face and climbed to the summit of the tub’s side. He had done it. Free at last. When he reached the crest he turned back to admire his handy work and he chuckled at the sight of her mangled corpse.  He had silenced the old crone for good.

It was with a light in his heart he had never felt before that he hopped off the edge of that tub and forged into his future.